In a development walking the line between genius and jest, Riverside Springs has unveiled the world’s first treatment center for ‘Allergic To Work’ Syndrome (AWS). Dubbed the Laborless Love Clinic, the pioneering facility caters to a large, growing segment reporting adverse reactions to their jobs. Patients have reported severe reaction to even the mention of work with symptoms like eyes rolling, chronic sighing, and aches that go down deep to the soul. The condition renders them incapable of performing even basic job duties.
The clinic’s founder, Ava Loophole, M.D., holds that AWS is a legitimate response to the stresses of modern work-life balance, or lack thereof. “According to a survey, 99% of people feel happier on weekends,” Dr. Loophole stated unassumingly. “This indicates a widespread allergic reaction to weekdays, and by extension, work. Sorry but it’s just what the science is telling us.” Critics were quick to label the syndrome a thinly-veiled excuse for laziness, questioning the ethics of a medical professional eager to prescribe rest over responsibility.
With the town’s workforce in rapid decline, the clinic’s popularity has simultaneously ignited both unprecedented boom in the leisure industry and a heated debate on the nature of modern maladies. Local businesses have reported a sharp increase in weekday patronage, as the newly liberated patients now fill cafes, parks, and recreational facilities at all hours, seeking to occupy their work-free days with leisure and entertainment.
Notably, the town’s economy has taken an ironic turn for the better. New ventures are popping up to cater to the burgeoning demographic of work-allergic individuals. Among them is an exclusive venue, “Rooster’s Dayclub.” Open daily at 8 AM, it offers patrons a selection of teas and bran muffins accompanied by the party atmosphere of a nightclub toned down to a comfortable volume. Similarly, the “Lazy River Float Spa” provides a therapeutic experience for those stressed by the mere thought of work. The spa allows clients to drift aimlessly in water channels that lead nowhere, mirroring what their careers have become.
Though AWS sufferers don’t really like to talk about money, this newfound prosperity comes at a cost. The local government has struggled to maintain essential services as more employees share their diagnosis from Dr. Loophole. “I’m concerned AWS might be a contagion,” laments Mayor McDoddle, who ironically finds himself alone at city hall often. “Each time I glance at the growing stack of paperwork on my desk, I start to wretch. Is that a symptom?”
“According to a survey, 99% of people feel happier on weekends,” Dr. Loophole stated unassumingly. “This indicates a widespread allergic reaction to weekdays, and by extension, work. Sorry but it’s just what the science is telling us.”
Just as the populace had adjusted to its new work-averse reality, Dr. Loophole recently announced new conditions unearthed through her ongoing research: “Chronic Boredom Disorder” (CBD) and “Temporary Happiness Collapse” (THC). “Without the structure of a job, days blend into an endless loop of leisure. Profound boredom and a sudden decline of joy can onset at any time,” the doctor explained. “When potent forms of CBD and THC coalesce, the effects can be quite debilitating.”
The unveiling of CBD and THC treatments has sparked a rush among locals seeking remedy to their AWS. Amidst soaring interest, Dr. Loophole is eyeing expansion, musing, “A new wing or even a clinic across town would be ideal.” However, plans have stalled. “We can’t seem to find a construction crew or clinic staff who aren’t indefinitely ‘on hiatus’. How are we supposed to stay in operation?”
Bo Dixon