In an unprecedented move that has left residents scratching their heads and peeking cautiously around their oak trees, Riverside Springs Mayor Wilbur McDoddle announced yesterday a city-wide initiative to capture what he describes as a growing menace to public safety: invisible squirrels.
The announcement came during a press conference held in the middle of Riverside Park, where Mayor McDoddle, donning what he insists is a specially designed “squirrel-seeing” monocle, detailed his plan to rid the city of these spectral rodents.
“With the rise in invisible squirrel-related incidents, from unexplained nut shortages to eerie chattering sounds in the night, it’s high time we address this issue head-on,” declared McDoddle, brandishing a net seemingly designed for catching what cannot be seen. The city has allocated an unusual budget to train a specialized team of Animal Control officers in the art of capturing creatures that have, until now, been considered purely hypothetical.
Local resident and self-proclaimed squirrel whisperer, Ethel Knickers, has been appointed the lead strategist on the Invisible Squirrel Task Force. “It’s all about intuition,” Knickers explained, demonstrating a sweeping motion with a net through thin air. “You feel more than you see.”
Arlington Hewes